The morning of 28th January, 2008 was perhaps one of the darkest days of his life. He was spellbound and speechless. His mind had stopped thinking for a while. The whole universe seemed spinning like hell to explode. A mist of shock, disbelief, a sort of emptiness and a virtual insanity had swept him off his grounds. He found himself stuck up in the cul-de-sac of intensely volatile negative emotions, uncertainity, utter failure on the forefronts of life, after losing almost every single rupee in business merely because of his own foolish (or naive) blind trust on the mastermind of deception and fraud, Mian Alauddin. The shocking discovery that he has lost everything overnight blurred all logical thinking for some time. His dreams of establishing a business of his own and ensuring a secure and financially comfortable future for his family were buried under the debris of chagrin and dismay. He felt a strong urge to kill the man who had shattered his faith and trust and destroyed his world. He even got a chance to do so but balanced thinking pacified his rage of anger. Balanced thinking - yes that was the outcome of a brain test that he once took on computer.
He had been claiming to be a strong positive thinker for the last couple of years and 'Mind Power' by Anthony Robbins strengthened his foundation of faith in positive thinking. So, at this juncture of life, he had to prove his conviction not only to the world but also to himself to avoid total collapse. He had to pull his nerves, collect his energies and compose his strengths to face the bitterest realities of life without looking back and lament the failures and losses.
Members of his family, friends and acquaintances might have hated and expected him to commit suicide under unbearable and extreme circumstantial pressure. But, thank Lord, his positive attitude rescued and helped him to steer forward in those stormy waters. If he could get information he would find hundreds of cases of suicide or suicidal attempts around the world after going through such heart-breaking experiences since the cited date. He had to find the company of positive thinkers which he never got. What to do now? Time was running fast. He pondered and brainstormed without getting any clear idea about how to get himself out of the gravitational force of negativity. But he had to find a way.
The idea struck him like a stream of lightning late one night while he was browsing internet as usual. Contrary to previous failed attempts on blogging.
Anyway, these links are being posted here particularly for his family and friends to know just how he succeeded in keeping himself engaged in the activity of his own choice and interest while he was almost on the verge of losing his sanity and personal integrity. No one including his family knows what was it that motivated and encouraged him to spend hours and hours, day and night, sitting before his personal computer at home without letting others gauge the depth of his fiery emotions, revengeful feelings and volatile thoughts. What was it? It was rock-hard determination and an unbending will power to defy odds and never let the most probable fatal nervous breakdown which could also lead to a heart attack. He was not willing to let that happen merely to save his already disturbed, depressed and distraught family from further sufferings and facing medical emergencies because of him.
They were all annoyed with him, despised his activities, hated him. Friends abandoned and forgot him presuming that he might ask for monetary favours. Some lent him small amounts of money, others a little larger amounts but none of them ever tried to understand his state of mind. It was perhaps because he forced himself to behave like a normal person concealing the intensity of his inner battle with his own self. He referred to the gravity of this inner battle in his poetic verses and was rewarded with appreciation but again nobody bothered to understand the bitter truth behind it. The truth that he was left alone pitched against the most unfavourabe circumstances. He never sought crutches of sympathy. He just needed consoling presence of sincere friends. His overwhelming loneliness never let him enjoy in the gatherings and crowds. And nobody gave a damn about it!
He spent time with people whose calibre didn't match his own. He wrote poetry, attended weekly meetings of literary circles, took candid and street photos, spent lonely hours in parks or riding his bike wandering around in the city. It all was directed at finding solace which he never found, not for a day or even for an hour. In fact he was constantly walking on a volcano that was almost ready to erupt inside him any day. The explosion could result in the loss of others' lives or his own. He had a gut feeling that he is no more of any use to his family in particular and to the world in general. Suicidal thoughts had already half killed him. Nobody ever knew this, not even his spouse, his children and a couple of friends who thought they knew him very well. Most of them always reminded him of his blunders and mistakes.
He was stranded in a dark blind alley. It was impossible to turn back because there was no one to hold his hand and lead him out of the darkness to the light of hopes and assurance. And there was no way to move forward. There was no chance of turning right or left in the fog of indecisiveness, helplessness and hopelessness. Nevertheless, somewhere deep in the abyss of his mind he kept reassuring himself that failure and total loss was not his destiny. He was sanguine that God had not created him to end his life without achieving anything in life. He had survived many serious crisis in life since early childhood. People used to say that his mother had joined the majority at the time of his birth. It was rumoured that he was born as a premature baby of 7 months. Being the only child of his parents he had to learn living alone nestled in his utopian world of imagination. He had developed habits of deep thinking, staying in solitude for long hours without any regrets, talking to himself and to the characters he had fabricated as his playmates.
These strong tools that he acquired in very young age became his strong arsenal after January 28, 2008. His family, friends and acquaintances just tried to find fault with his weaknesses. They never knew his real inner strengths. They fell victim to self-deception while assessing his real self, a born fighter.
Fed up with unproductive time spending he decided to make full use of his time by blogging. He studied and learnt the basics of blogging and started creating blogs without any brainstorming. He was fascinated by some blogs. Though he was having serious problems of not being able to concentrate on anything for a while, he continued internet browsing, perusing blogs and creating his own. However, unluckily he couldn't continue updating the blogs as they should have been, for regardless of all this effort to avert mental collapse he couldn't get rid of his hypertension and depression. He never took any medicine and never consulted with a doctor to get treatment.
He neither regrets creating nor his inability to update these blogs because he successfully achieved the goals tagged with them to a certain extent. And his goals were to retain his sanity, avoid suicidal attempts at all costs and keep his brain working as a thinking device and all this without any help from any single quarter of his circle of friends and acquaintances.
Beside these blogs he also joined facebook.com for the same purpose and quite surprisingly not a single friend could detect the intensity of his pains and agony in spite of his clear indications, every now then, about the disturbing state of mind he was passing through. He wrote comments that people liked. He expressed his feelings on different issues impressively and effectively. His poetry earned comments of appreciation. His photos were taken notice of.
Some people take him as their ideal, a few as an idol but none as a born fighter that he is because of his bloodline. His ancestors migrated from the Arab peninsula, stayed in Afghanistan for centuries and then settled in India till partition. He feels the blood of intellectuals, thinkers, fighters, scholars and achievers running in his veins and this one fact is a very strong source of energy, power and driving force to keep him moving ahead towards his destiny. Many blank spaces on the pages of his life book are filled with failures but then many are decorated with achievements and successes without any outside help. So, moving ahead, crossing milestones, exploring new horizons and doing his level best is all that he shall be doing till the last breath of life.
Though he has still not been able to restabilise himself financially, mentally, intellectually and spiritually, yet he is gratified that after losing on many frontiers he is still standing firm in the battleground and fighting back like a mad warrior because he is going to be a winner at the end of the day insha-Allah.
Launching this website siddiquees.com is one of his victories that fuels his determination, will power, enthusiasm and passion to achieve the more higher goals that he has set for himself to achieve in the future.
Here are links to his blogs which have not been updated regularly for above reasons. In fact they are like souvenirs to him and he would not want to discard them. Maybe someday he could update each one of them even with a single post a week.
Hope you visit these blogs and a community website and appreciate the struggle of a 53 year old lonely man against the worst odds, misfortune and unfavourable circumstances not only to stay alive but also to inspire and encourage others like him.
http://www.shuttermess.blogspot.com
http://www.e-maqzine.blogspot.com
http://www.ciao-bloggers.blogspot.com
http://www.siddiquees.com
God bless you all and protect you from failures, diseases, broken relations, depression, tensions and mishaps.
